i haven't lied, but here's the truth.

Honestly I don't think you know me. Yeah, I'm Jordan from Montana. I'm quiet and reserved. That's me. But not all me.
I lived in Utah. I don't live there anymore. I live in Montana now. I have for about two and a half months now. I loved Utah with all of my heart. I dream of going back. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to be pathetic, but I had to.

I have depression. 

depression occurs when you have at least five of the following nine symptoms at the same time:

• a depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
• a sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation
• significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)

Not only did I have five. I had all of them. and i still do sometimes.

It started in the summer of 2010. I noticed i was tired all the time. i didn't want to do anything but sleep. i didnt want to see anyone or meet anyone. the thought of having fun was annoying. so annoying. I noticed when i got angry i got way angry. that wasnt like me. i never cared about stuff like that before. i was the least dramatic girl ever. i never had any problems and when i did i kept them to myself. i never lashed out at people like i was doing now.

I decided to go to the doctor. i got medicine for my depression. the medicine did nothing but insult me. i felt like it was a joke to make me think i was getting better. i stopped taking it and stopped visiting the doctor. i visited home some time later and visited my mom's doctor. she gave me new medicine. I took it for that week and forgot about it. i took it every now and then but never consistently. after time, i just decided i was fine. i felt a little better. not awesome but i didn't want to kill myself. then my dad's accident happened. returning to normal life was awful. i felt like everyone should give me a break and feel sorry for me. nobody did. nobody did anything for me. i was feeling selfish but i didnt care. i expected more from people. i went to school almost every day crying. i didn't have a reason but i would cry and cry and cry. nobody asked about me. nobody cared. only one person. now, you would think a school FULL of girls, someone would come up to you. nope. I have never felt so alone and worthless in my life. 

I went home for christmas. when I came back, I decided i was going to be consistent with my meds. I took them every day. i was doing so so so good! Then they turned on me. I stopped going to school. I stopped going out. I stopped wearing makeup, getting dressed up, looking nice. mitch was my only friend. well, i guess ben too. but i didn't want to do anything. and that is an understatement.

 mitch was so good to me ( i thought and so did he) he did "nothing" with me. we stayed at his house all day and watched movies or just talked. finally he decided something needed to change. he was going to have fun and i was invited to go with him but no more of this laziness. he figured since my favorite thing to do was be with him this would be the key. i would get out and have fun since he was. it worked at first.we would go out and do things. go to basketball games. visit his aunt. one time i even did p90x with him. well actually i planned on it. but i suddenly got raging mad. i was rude and i was ticked off for no reason at all. mitch asked me to come do yoga with him but instead i sat outside his door and pouted. i cried and made sure i was in a spot that he could notice so maybe he would stop and i could get his attention but he held his ground. finally, since i wasnt getting his attention i went in his room and laid face down on his bed and cried. i was so mad i wanted to swear. i dont know why i was so mad but i just was. after that night i was fine. and i continued to do things but soon i didn't care about being with him anymore. i still loved him but when he invited me to go to the library with him i refused. no. i didnt want to get ready. i didnt want to look at myself in the mirror. so mitch left. i watched him leave. i sat on the stairs and cried and cried. how could he just leave me like that? i didnt blame mitch for leaving. it was part of the deal. but i thought maybe he would give in. maybe i could have it my way. i didnt think about mitch being happy. i kept bawling, almost screaming. it was then i decided i was going back to montana. I have new meds. It has not been easy being here. I don't love it. I love some things. I love my family. I love my preschool kids. I love my nursery kids. I have gotten better. I still don't feel all the way better but i do feel like i am making progress. instead of feeling bad most of the time and normal sometimes when i'm lucky, i feel normal most of the time and bad sometimes when im unlucky. 

I realize I have told more than most of you care to know or wanted to hear but trust me i spared the details. because i am still self conscious and still untrusting plus not everybody needs to know everything about me. I like to keep some things to myself. I tell these things i have written in hopes of helping. Everyday i felt like a freak. i felt like i didn't fit in and i didnt deserve to fit in. i felt like hiding from everybody. I know others feel like this too. And if it's you, It's ok. You aren't a freak. You mean something to somebody. You deserve to be happy. Just like I do.